So many people wanted details of the gruesome discovery. At first it was easy to talk about it, but then more and more people decided to ask me questions and as the day progressed I felt tinier and tinier in the whole spectrum of progress in coping. After lunch I started not feeling well, and left for home.
One thing that someone said to me before leaving really stuck with me:
You know, it's not your fault that you saw what you did. You're a good girl who saw a bad thing, and no one here can blame you for needing time to deal with it. You didn't know the man, he wasn't a very nice man, but I know it doesn't make it any easier. It's not your fault what you saw.
I don't know why, but in the grand scheme of coping these words have really offered me a helping shoulder.
Nighttime is always the most difficult. I still have to leave the bedside lamp on to fall asleep, and a nightlight on in the living room. The past couple of nights I wake up in the middle of the night and shut off the bedside lamp, which I think must mean a little progress is showing.
Falling back asleep is difficult. Sometimes I still see those images in my head, and other times I imagine that he's here, watching me through the crack of the bedroom door. I know it sounds crazy. Sometimes I think his family will want to hear our side of the story, and seek us out.
The latter really bothers me. I logged onto J's Facebook yesterday and saw that on Monday two members of the murder victim's family had found J and sent him messages. They wanted to know just what kind of tattoo he saw on the body's back, because the police weren't telling them anything. The messages made me very nervous, but I feel a bit at ease knowing that since then, the family has since been shed some light on with the whole situation.
We have also decided that we will be calling the police should any more messages come in.
I know it hasn't been a week yet since the discovery, but I have not been myself all week. I had been doing so well with dealing with anxiety, I was doing great with my diet, I was happy with myself and the relationship I'm in. I was even happy with our apartment. Now it seems like I'm a million miles from where I was just short of a week ago, and it's so discouraging.