2014-09-07 at 12:18 a.m.

I used to feel a certain way about suicide.

Then someone in my family did it, the day before Good Friday. It impacted my life. It still does. It always will.

I've gone through the motions. Felt and dealt with all of the emotions in the grieving process. And now, I'm basically right back to square one about how I used to feel about suicide.

Before I knew anyone who commutes suicide I used to think it was a selfish thing to do. Why would you do that to your family? Then when someone close did it, I was in disbelief. I defended the person, who might I add never showed signs, never was depressed, etc. I defended them because unfortunately the ones immediately close to them, living in their home, we're taking advantage of them their whole life. They probably felt like it was the only way out and none of us knew how isolated they felt. None of us knew, none of us ever thought.

When people said it was selfish, I said they could say everything they wanted to about suicide but until someone in their family did it what the hell sis they know? Everything goes out the window when it's in your life.

Every day I see how this death impacts people. Every single day since then, I think of the person, the details we know and the million details we will never know.

And that's what brings me back to square one. The details we will never know.

It's not fair.

It's not fair that the only person with any of the answers is gone.

Yes, suicide is selfish, indeed.

relive - a new

old entries